Category: Focus Columns

I am grateful that these first 25 years of pastoral ministry have afforded me ample opportunities to be a part of people’s lives in times of joy and tragedy, monotony and transformation.  One such opportunity has been marital counseling (beforehand, during, and, yes, afterward) and aiding familial relationships.

Here are some practical and spiritual basics for building a healthy relationship, some of which I draw upon during confidential pastoral counseling with couples from all ages, stages, and walks of life.  I offer these insights to you and yours free of charge and in no particular order.  Enjoy!

Common denominators matter. When picking a mate, aim for common denominators that are important to you.  No two people are exactly alike — vive la différence! — yet it sure helps to have as many things in common with your mate as possible, which in turn enables the overcoming of life’s challenges which may (and do) arise.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Communication is the key to a healthy and meaningful relationship.  Express yourself.  Share with your beloved what you need to have understood.  Ask your companion, “How are you?” and then listen to what is said (and for what is withheld).   Turn off the distractions and make the effort to listen.

Do not let the sun go down on your anger. (Ephesians 4: 26)  This is really good advice.  Before going to sleep at night make sure to resolve all disputes, jealousies, and problems so that when you wake up the next morning it is truly a new day and everyone gets a fresh start.  Practice daily the art of forgiveness.  Accept the hard reality that your way is not always the right or only way.  Besides, would you rather be right or reconciled?

Accept each other as is. The only person you can change in the world is (drum roll, please) yourself. Allow God’s transforming power to go to work in your soul, and one day you may witness your mate growing and evolving as well.

Have something bigger than yourselves in your home. Honestly, my friends, evening meals are really boring for families who have nothing to talk about except work, kids, and TV.  Connect your family to God and a local faith community.  Start now; don’t wait until some magical, mythical point in the distant future.  Tithe your talent, treasure and time to the faith community in which you are participating, and I can promise you that you will reap what you sow.

Pick your battles. Life is too short and precious to be spent bickering or complaining or whining. Decide together to not fight or argue about every little thing.  Choose what really matters, and then let go of the rest.

Intimacy and sex are wonderful gifts of God. Be faithful; practice fidelity.  Sex is not something to be used as a weapon; it isn’t meant to be a bargaining chip.  You should be able to ask your mate for whatever your heart, body and soul desires.  At the same time, whenever you do ask, make sure you are prepared to respect your mate’s decision and response, regardless of whether the answer is yes, no, or maybe later.  Human sensuality and sexual intimacy are divine gifts which feel good and can sustain affection, create new life, heal hurts, heighten closeness, and enable reconciliation.

Make a financial plan and  then stick to it. Money issues are a major source of strife for many couples.  Again, communicate with one another.  You have heard it said, “Plan your work and then work your plan.”  Talk it out and work together to cope with  whatever financial issues you may be encountering.  Keep your tithe alive no matter what because giving to charity is a tangible response to grace and a daily reminder that we are blessed by a providential God and bound to one another.

Have fun. Go out at least once a month as a couple.  Laugh, love, and dance to the music of life.

As always, First Christian Church of Decatur, I am delighted to be your pastor.

Shalom, James Brewer-Calvert

Thanks, Bobby.

On Sunday, October 3, immediately after the San Francisco Giants defeated the San Diego Padres, the Atlanta Braves burst into a joyous celebration at Turner Field because their victory over the Philadelphia Phillies coupled with a Padres loss sealed a Wild Card place in the postseason. As Atlanta fans in the stands chanted, “Pick up Bobby! Pick up Bobby!” several players hoisted manager Bobby Cox onto their shoulders, and a grateful city cheered.

In my first 50 years of life on earth I have been both cursed and blessed to watch Bobby Cox manage the Braves to National League division titles, pennants, and a World Series win. I say cursed because I was a die-hard Mets fan throughout my formative years, and every Braves’ division title was at the expense of the Amazin’ Mets. I say blessed because after moving to Atlanta in ’98, and closely observing how Bobby Cox led my adopted hometown nine, I slowly shifted allegiance and began to pull for guys nicknamed Chipper, Big Cat, Bulldog, and the Jay-Hey Kid (aka, Jones, Galarraga, Maddox, and Heyward, respectively).
Here are seven life lessons I have learned by observing Bobby Cox at work and play in the ball fields of the Lord:

1. Prepare by doing your homework.
When the umpire yells, “Play ball!”, Bobby Cox is relaxed and raring to go. He is ready because he’s already done his homework, studying other teams tendencies, strengths and weaknesses. He has prepared his players for whatever may come. He tells his pitchers, batters, and coaches beforehand what to anticipate. During the game you can see him refer to his pad of notes. By taking care of what is his responsibility and letting others do theirs, he puts his team in position to win. Like Peyton Manning said, “Pressure is what you feel when you don‟t know what you are doing.” Do your homework, be prepared, and let pressure become something in your rearview mirror.

2. Take the 162-game season one series at a time.
We have cultural yearning to look too far ahead. Bobby Cox focuses on the task at hand. He encourages his players to tackle one game or series at a time rather than get caught up in what is way down the road, and usually far beyond our reach or ability to effect. Focus on what is before you today and give it your all, then trust that the long run will be taken care of as well.

3. Encouragement works.
“Take your pitch, Chipper!” “Go get ’em, Billy!” Braves batters at the plate and on the
mound hear their coach offer cheerful, pithy words of encouragement. Whether his guy is hitting .340 or .225, regardless of the score or the inning, Bobby Cox roots his guys on and wills for them to do well. His cheerleading is unconditional. Don’t think for one second his players don’t appreciate or cherish his undivided attention simply because they are adults. They hear his words and treasure them. Cheerleading is contagious. Watch the next time a Brave sacrifices himself in order to move a runner over, and see how he gets a pat on the back from 100% of his teammates on the bench. Braves don’t have to hit grand slams to be praised (although they are welcome); every positive effort is recognized and respected.

4. Hustle.
If you want to be an Atlanta Brave, expect to run out weak ground balls. Players who jog to first base or saunter after a fly ball wake up the next morning to discover they are on another team.

5. Practice loyalty, even when it’s not popular.
If there is anything Bobby Cox does that drives me crazy it is his loyalty. Slumping batters, streaky pitchers, bumbling fielders get so many chances to fight and claw their way out of their doldrums that I have been known to direct harsh thoughts in his general direction. And yet, it is his loyalty that has won titles, saved countless careers, and earned him his players undying devotion. Mine, as well. Be like Bobby. Stand by those who go through slumps or get stuck. God is loyal, and we can be so, too.

6. Surround yourself with good people.
We are not surprised that so many of Bobby Cox’s former players and assistant coaches have gone on to become managers. He puts himself in position to succeed by intentionally working alongside people of good moral character and with complimentary skills. The benefits are manifold. For example, whenever there’s a concern to be addressed in the clubhouse, Bobby Cox trusts his veteran players and coaches to take care of it. A healthy community can make a world of difference.

7. Every day is a chance at a fresh start.
Bobby Cox treats every game as a new beginning. The player who wore a golden sombrero (four strikeouts in a game) the night before gets to start the next day, and he knows that his manager will have high hopes and no regrets.

You may have additional lessons that you have learned by watching a master craftsman at work. I would love to hear them. Meanwhile, my friends, join me in applying what Bobby Cox has modeled day in and day out.

Covenant with God and one another to be prepared; to offer words of encouragement; to let the past be over and the present be a gift; to support and love one another, especially when in a slump; to put forth the good energy that is expected and required; and to increase your chances of growth and goodness by surrounding yourself with people who demonstrate solid, moral character.

As always, First Christian Church of Decatur, I am delighted to be your pastor.

Shalom, James Brewer-Calvert